"doing the deed" and how having or not having sex effects one's marriage. So for my more gentle reader now is your chance to turn back..don't say I didn't warn you :) ** and to my teenage readers who are related and semi-related to me.. this goes for you to.. it might be more than you want to know!
Ok, everyone comfy now?.. good! Talking about sex is possibly only a bit more popular than discussing money when it comes to comfort and ease and yet it's a fundamental topic of life, especially married life. Let's face it, unless you happen to be part of an arranged marriage one of the reasons you are with your spouse is because at one point he or she made your neither regions tingle at just mear thought of them. So now it's a whole bunch of year later.. how are your neither regions feeling these days? Best case scenario is that each time you see your man you get warm and happy all over. Worst case you would rather have your teeth cleaned.
The trick to a happy marriage is to spend more time in the warm and happy mode and as little time as possible in the " I would rather have an invasive dental procedure mode". I am not saying that this is easy, in fact with kids, work, bills, and your mother-in-law it can be downright tricky. Let me be clear, since I have a habit of being wordy and obtuse at times, I am saying that yes, I believe that the more sex you have the better your marriage will be.
Popular thought?....well not exactly. In fact I am sure that millions of strident-types are feeling lower groin pain just at the thought. But that is the great part about having a blog, they can now feel free to dash off a post on why they think they should only have sex when they damn well feel like. And I will further my post by saying that I think it's best to have sex as often as possible, even when you might be some what tired, have had a crappy day with the kids or could not find chicken breasts on sale at your local market.
Now do let me be VERY clear in that there are times not to have sex, and most importantly no person male or female should be pressured into having sex against their consent. What I am saying is that as wives and long term partners we should be doing our best to make this most intimate of connections with our spouse often enough to keep that "warm and happy" spark alive and not fall into the "dental procedure" mode of sexual refusal.
Ok.. so now you are like.. "well great Maddie, but what I am suppose to do if I don't feel all warm and wonderful towards my spouse right now?" And I say to you.. fake it... at least until you can make that feeling become real. Think back.. remember that warm mushy feeling you had towards your spouse after a wonderful night/morning/lunch time of sex?.. ever notice how he is happy( ok, maybe happy is too strong a word) to take out the garbage the next day?.. or maybe is even more inclined to let you sleep in while he takes care of the baby?.. On your part you feel warm and loving, more relaxed and just all around happier? Well take that times 4-5 or even 6 days a week and think about how you would feel about your spouse and your marriage. Sweet hu?.. yep it is, that is the sort of marriage I strive for.
For those who doubt, give it a try. First night that you suggest sex he will be happy and surprised, second night he will be shocked but very ready, third night in a row he will look like the guy who just won the Georgia 50 million dollar power ball. See how your life changes, watch for subtle changes in not only him but you too. Watch how you feel softer about the things that used to irritate you before and more forgiving and ready to meet him midway when it comes to a difference of opinion. Watch how he is happier and more relaxed, is better with the kids and around the house. It really is simple magic, orgasms release wonderful chemicals into our bodies that make just about everything easier to deal with. Even sex without the bonus of climax chemically bonds a couple in a way that cannot be achieved in any other way.
"Buuuttttttttt, I really am TIRED" I hear you saying. I know and I do understand. I am a woman who LOVES her sleep. Nothing makes me happier than to sink down into my Tempra-whatever mattress and drift off to the Land of Nod. But you know what? Sleeping next to a stressed/sulky or fitful sleeper is no fun. Or worse yet, going to sleep in an empty bed when your spouse chooses to stay up late and watch TV or fart around on the computer as opposed to coming to a sex-less bed, is not relaxing. So take the personal time to rest and recharge your own batteries, with a rest or a nice shower, or one together is even better with the added possibility of killing two birds with one shower if you get my drift :-).
Past that do what it takes to change from Mommy-mind to Partner-mind. Sexy reading, can do the trick for some woman. Anything from romance novels to erotica aimed just at women can be a nice segue from day life to night life. Sometimes a nice glass of wine can do the trick if it does not make you more sleepy ( I am one who cannot drink unless I plan to really sleep.. zonks me right out) Sometimes just going through the motions of getting ready to be together, a bit of lotion, a nice perfume, some naughty nighties or just setting your mind that you are going to have sex and you are going to enjoy it. Since let's face it, if you have sex.. how often in the end do you end up feeling anything but much about a whole bunch of stuff. It's all up to you.
The fact is that as we age we lose some of our insta-sex ability that is a hallmark of our late teens and early 20's and our hormones bring us through changes that we never dreamed possible but there is little reason that we have to become slaves to these hormones ( or lack of them) or let them endanger our marriages by making us think that just because we are not as sex driven that sex is no longer an important part of our lives our are marriage. ( For a great book on this subject look for~ The Alchemy of Love and Lust, by Crenshaw) In my indelicate way I am known to say that like a car I am no longer " an automatic, but more of a crank start model" But it's all ok.. since I end up in the same place. Happy and content in my marriage with a very happy and helpful husband.. what more could one want?