The Passionate Marriage- Marriage on Monday

I received a comment on a facebook post the other day,  it was not even a post that I had written it was one written by Doc that I had reposted.and in it he mentioned me. The commenter said that she was taken by how ardent and passionately my husband wrote about me.. this made me happy. To be one who is loved passionately is a thrill and pleasure, I am one very lucky woman.

And yet as I write the word " lucky" I know it is more than that, it the intense work doc and bring to our marriage each day that has much to do with this " luck".  Since while passion is easy in the early days of a relationship it needs active tending to keep those flames burning  through basement floods, tax bills and 6 children! We work at our passion for each other and I am glad it shows.

Might I be so blunt as to say that I know a hell of a lot of couples who have no passion whatsoever in their marriage, no surprise given the way some couples talk about each other and it becomes little more than a blame games as to who's fault that is. If it were not for the fact that they have children and a joint bank account I would not  bet a nickle on the fact that they even had a sex life based on the dull looks they exchange when together. The negative and derogatory things that some women say about their husbands astounds and saddens me. It shows such a lack of respect and where there is no respect there is little hope of passion.  I have come to understand that long lasting passion comes from a great respect and admiration for each other and what each brings to the marriage.

As I have mentioned before I am serious about my marriage I consider it my job to make sure that Doc knows each and everyday how much I love and admire him and even more than that, that I desire him. Yep DESIRE.. a strong wish or deep wanting.   This can happen in one of a million ways both small, such a text messages that make the air waves sizzle or large, such as picking out a bra and garter belt that are sure to raise his blood pressure when he sees me wearing them. My goal is that with each action I take I reinforce my passion for this man I have chosen to spend my life with.

Since let me be blunt once again, if you are not the one flirting with your husband I can bet you a million dollars that someone else is.. how do you feel about that?  No I am not saying that your husband is cheating on you.. but what I am saying is that it is pretty easy to start feeling more for someone who shows you positive attention than for someone who grunts at you over the breakfast table.

These things do not happen by accident, keeping passion alive in a marriage is active work, marriages are not meant to run on auto-pilot! .... let's see what my darling man has to say about all of this.......

Doc writes:

Don't hold back, my love - say what you feel!  ( Darling.. when don't I?)

When I read what Maddie wrote, I had a couple of immediate thoughts. First, that there is no doubt in my mind that, if anyone is lucky in this, it's got to be me. How many men get the surprise and pleasure of reading about their wives in garter belts and bras intended to (successfully) raise blood pressure? More importantly, though, how many men have the pleasure of seeing, in print and for all to see, a woman talk about how much she admires, respects, and desires her husband? I can tell you what it does for me even now as I read her writing, only it's not entirely appropriate for print. Use your imagination. But under that physical passion is adoration that burns through everything.

The second thought that struck me is how much it's true that luck in a relationship is made, at least as much, if not more, than it is something that just "happens." Let's put this in perspective. Meeting Maddie was almost complete serendipity - we stumbled across one another on the internet, back in the stone age when I was still working on a DOS computer in all text (no windows, no links, no clicks, at least for me - she was on Windows 3.1, woohoo!). 30 minutes either way and chances are we would never have met. Whether that's luck, or fate, or the hand of a higher power, it was certainly an opportunity that could easily have been missed.

That's the first thing about "luck" in relationships. While our meeting may have been serendipity, that "luck" would have amounted to nothing had we not seized on it. For luck to amount to anything, you have to recognize it when it comes your way, latch onto it, and run the risk of accepting the gift that has come your way. Lots of people miss so many opportunities simply because they wouldn't recognize a blessing if it slapped them.

Last thought for today. I squirm a little when Maddie talks about how, if you're not flirting with your better half, someone else will. It goes against my overly "moral" upbringing, and flies in the face of the "feminist" ideals with which I have been confronted since the early 1970s (see - told you I was older than dirt). But the fact of the matter is, it's true. I am convinced that we all, at least every man I know who will admit it, looking to be adored (probably the women, too, but Maddie knows better than I about that). And the simple truth is that, if I didn't feel adored in my marriage, eventually I would at least be tempted to look elsewhere. Whether I did anything about that temptation or not is almost irrelevant - the desire to look elsewhere may be even more poisonous than actually doing something about it.

No, it's not that Maddie needs to wear sexy underwear every day, nor that she has to agree with everything I say, or support unconditionally every decision that I make. It's that I have to feel that the current running underneath all the surface waves is unconditional, complete, and genuine passion, for me. Not some idealized image of who I could be, or that she wants me to be, but who I am right now. In turn, that's what she gets back from me. Chicken? Egg? Who cares? Whichever comes first they go together.

You see, it works in reverse too, because if I'm not flirting with Maddie, someone else will. But it's more than that, too. People do flirt with Maddie, and they do flirt with me. But because we nurture our passion, and our "luck," every day, we come home to each other, every day.

Make that work in your marriage, and you too will feel as though you're in a heaven on earth.


So there you go folks.. do tell... what are you doing to keep passion in your marriage..what hints can you offer?


Anonymous said...

Maddie and Doc: One so very simple tradition we do every morning, started because we no longer work together (we have done so since 1995) and instead now say goodbye in the morning, separated for 10 or more hours now...we KISS. Not a peck on the cheek a real meaningful kiss. Right in front of Tori for her to see how much we love and miss each other during the day. But that's not all. Tori gets her kiss too from Dad, her love for Bryant is as deep as mine. Okay bye, I'm getting teary eyed!

fairyrocks said...

Lovely post, lovely couple.
My DH works far far away with constantly changing shifts. Some times he gets 3 days off, after working 14, sometimes after 24 days of work. I am still in love as my blog indicates. He reads my blog, and comments. (he is not a blogger, but always knows what to say) He loves me too, this I know. I think it is the knowing deep down that helps us get through the long time apart. Early on I told him that love is what you 'show' someone, 'not tell them'.{and yes, you do have to tell them, I just mean you cannot say 'I love you' if your actions indicate otherwise} I also said marriage was not as important as the Honeymoon. We refer to our time together as 'our honeymoon time'.
When my now 16 year old who was 4 at the time, was showing a friend our newly decorated and transformed bedroom.
She referred to it as "This is my Mom and Dads bedroom...It is a romance bedroom" I didn't even know she knew the word romance. We still smile and keep it the romance bedroom. Private and just for us.

Brenda Cregger said...

I lightens my heart to read both your posts. To know that so many people can read what a real relationship means. It takes two, it takes living intentionally. You two take responsibility for keeping the marriage, the spark and the relationship fresh and alive everyday. Thank you for sharing. We need more sharing like this and less blaming and assuming. Bren